10 years ago, Tom Cruise made Oprah’s couch famous (happy #TBT!) http://t.co/FRQbGQZb9J pic.twitter.com/okKnc3KnDO

— People magazine (@people) May 21, 2015

Mission Impossible 5 premieres at the end of July, and a ton of Tom Cruise stories have come out. Look up there ^^^. It’s time to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Tom couch jumping on Oprah. Time flies when one rolls with Xenu.

Tom’s a tabloid favorite this week. I’ve included several more photos of Tom’s barely-there weight gain to play 300-pound, drug-running pilot Barry Seal. Tom’s movie car broke down on the Mena set yesterday, and he got out, popped the hood, and looked underneath the car. Kaiser and I think his hair is rocking an Elvis vibe.

Tom features in two stories in this week’s Enquirer. The first story isn’t much, just a claim that Tom and Paula Patton are secretly dating. They starred together in Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol, and they’re both single, so “it’s totally on!” Paula is reportedly charmed by Tom, who would never cheat on anyone. The story sounds completely fake. One doesn’t go from super douche Robin Thicke to an asexual Scientologist. Gossip Cop spoke with a Tom source that says the story is “bullsh*t”

Tom also takes the Enquirer cover with a big paternity story. Tom is full of crap, but there’s little reason to question whether he’s Suri’s biological father. Suri looks like Tom’s brother, William Mapother. She looks like Tom too! I don’t understand why this story was ever a thing. The tabloid says Katie Holmes was “impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm,” which is a widely discredited claim made in Andrew Morton’s 2008 book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. Morton’s book and this week’s Enquirer state that “a number of high-level Scientologists believed Katie… was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm.” Ex-Scientologist sources told the Enquirer that “it was always a given that Hubbard was going to be reincarnated,” and that top Scientologists were told that Tom had “too low sperm count to father a child.”

A Tom source spoke with Gossip Cop to call this story “bullsh*t“. Gossip Cop isn’t always accurate because their denials come straight from PR reps. But this paternity story is so dumb. The Enquirer also says Tom’s tally of non-Suri interaction climbed to 607 days. That’s an impossible jump from the year of no Suri we talked about last month.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet