Last week, Sophie, the Duchess of Edinburgh, was traveling by car through London when one of her police-motorcyclist security people rammed into a grandmother in her 80s. Apparently, the police motorcyclist was traveling at high speed, so the force of the impact sent the elderly pedestrian flying seven meters across the road. At this point, we have no details about whether Sophie’s police motorcade even stopped to help this woman, and we only found out about the accident well after the fact, when Sophie made a lukewarm statement offering thoughts and prayers to the woman’s family. Again, Sophie was not behind the wheel, but it was her motorcade and no one even knows why Sophie needs a full police escort to travel around London… especially when it didn’t even look like she was traveling to or from an official engagement.

As the reports of the senior lady’s condition worsened, Sophie then headed out to the Windsor Horse Show, where she wore a crazy-expensive dress and watched her daughter compete in some carriage-driving competition. Sophie was all smiles. As I said last week, the optics were giving “my police escort almost killed someone and I’m thrilled about it.” Over the weekend, the woman’s family released a statement saying that she is in a coma:

An elderly woman hit by a police motorcade escorting the Duchess of Edinburgh is in a coma, her family has said. Helen Holland, 81, from Essex, was visiting her older sister in London on Wednesday when she was struck by the motorbike at a junction in Earl’s Court at around 3.21pm, according to her relatives.

Her son Martin Holland and his wife Lisa-Marie said they were “shocked and sickened at her extensive injuries”.

“She is being well cared for by the NHS who we must thank deeply for their help in keeping her alive,” they told the BBC.

The Independent Office for Police Conduct has launched an investigation into the accident, while the Metropolitan Police department that investigates officers’ conduct has been informed, as is routine. The family is “calling for a thorough investigation”, BBC News At Ten presenter Clive Myrie reported on Friday.

Duchess Sophie, who was being escorted through west London when the collision occurred, said on Thursday that her “heartfelt thoughts and prayers” were with Ms Holland, from Birchanger, and her family.

[From The Independent]

This reminds me so much of Prince Philip’s car accident, where he rammed into a car with a young mother and young children. The kids were ultimately okay, although they did need medical care, not that Philip or the Windsors gave a sh-t. That’s what all of this is making clear – Sophie doesn’t care, the police don’t care, and the British media isn’t motivated to really investigate what happened because… it’s just Sophie and no one really cares about her. I guess we can expect Sophie and her big police protection unit to continue to terrorize the UK this week while this poor woman is in a coma.

Photos courtesy of Cover Images.

A few days after the coronation, Buckingham Palace finally released the official Throne Room portraits. One of King Charles solo, one of Queen Camilla solo, one of Camilla and Charles together, and one of all of the “working royals.” We were too focused on the artwork behind Camilla (which was not blackamoor art, as I learned too late) and the fact that “the slimmed down monarchy” is full of septuagenarians and octogenarians (plus two lazy 40-somethings who act like Edwardians). Some people did lament the fact that there seemed to be a missing portrait in the official photos: one with Charles and his two immediate heirs, Prince William and Prince George. Well, guess what?

As a late exclusive, Buckingham Palace released two more portraits, one of Charles and his two heirs, and one of Charles and Camilla with their coronation people, the ladies-in-waiting and all of the pages. It’s all so terribly white! LOL. Honestly though… the “king and his heirs” photo is so dull. British people are already lamenting the fact that they’ll have three kings in a row. Historically, Britain has prospered more under queens. Those Brits shouldn’t worry too much – I doubt there will be much of a monarchy left in twenty years’ time. I also believe that it took this long to release these two photos because all of the king’s men had to learn how to Photoshop and edit the crap out of these pics. William was definitely Photoshopped in, his head looks unnatural in the heirs photo.

One final footnote to Prince William’s appearance at the coronation is that, apparently, William was in a great deal of pain on May 6th. According to Luther Blissett – who went to Windsor Castle for his OBE investiture – William confessed that he played soccer with some friends days before the coronation and “he said he couldn’t walk for a week afterwards. He says he still plays 11-a-side.” Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that William is regularly left staggering around, unable to walk or sit properly. But I doubt it’s from football.

PS… There was a lot of news about Peg this weekend, please don’t threadjack! We will have plenty of stories throughout the week.

Photos courtesy of Hugo Burnand for Buckingham Palace/Avalon Red.

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A post shared by Kelly McKee Zajfen (@_heartmom_)

This photo is from the Instagram of Kelly McKee Zajfen, co-founder of the Alliance of Moms. Alliance of Moms is an LA-based non-profit which works to support the LA County foster system, specifically for foster kids who are pregnant or already parents. Apparently, Zajfen is friends with the Duchess of Sussex, and Meghan is supporting a new Alliance of Moms campaign. This is a great way for Meghan to support the causes she cares about locally, and it’s cool that we’re finding out about this work not through Archewell, but through Zajfen. This is what Zajfen wrote on her Instagram:

As Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but think of my own #commUNITY of Motherhood. I instantly think of you Meg. How incredibly nurturing and warm and open you are. What an incredible friend and mother. I’m truly in awe of you and I am so grateful you are part of my #CommUNITYofmotherhood.

You are always the first to say yes and support those you love. You are a fierce advocate for those who are in need. Thank you for joining this year’s campaign to support LA’s expectant and parenting foster youth, which helps provide critical services, education, resources and advocacy so they can build a better future for themselves and their families.

Please join us in this year’s very special campaign and purchase your t-shirt to support in the link in bio. Don’t forget to tag @allianceofmoms so we can shout from the roof tops how amazing you all are for supporting this wonderful community of mothers.

[From Instagram]

You can see the Alliance of Moms’ online shop here. The t-shirt Meghan is wearing in the photo costs $40 – a good price for supporting a good cause. And we know that the Sussex Squad likes to raise money for charity too – recently, the Squad raised thousands of dollars in a donation drive for Archie’s birthday. I’d be willing to bet that Meghan is doing a lot more for Alliance of Moms than just buying and wearing their t-shirt!

This weekend, thanks to the decades of effort by Coach Sandoval, Uvalde Dual Language Academy will get a new playground. @UvaldeNews details how meeting with Meghan Markle and a suggestion from The Archewell Foundation led to the school’s dream playground.https://t.co/hfoI8gnXDW

— KABOOM! (@kaboom) May 12, 2023

Photos courtesy of Instagram, Archewell, Ted Talk.

Note by CB: We are looking for a comment moderator to work from 7am to 11am on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. You do not need to have experience in WordPress, but it helps. Please do not have another job you do at the same time. It is OK if you are home with children as long as you can be in front of the computer at that time. If you are interested please email me at cbcomments@gmail.com with the name and email you use to comment on Celebitchy along with why you would like the job. It pays $20 per hour and I will be interviewing some candidates on Zoom. I really appreciate your interest, however I may not be able to respond to everyone. Thank you!

Halle Bailey & Javier Bardem looked cute at The Little Mermaid premiere in Mexico City. I wish Javi would have dressed up more though. [Just Jared]
This season of Ted Lasso is so messy & problematic, but at least the Colin storyline was okay-to-great. I loved the part about the Denver Bronchos. [Pajiba]
RHOM’s Lisa Hochstein might have planted a bug in her husband’s car? [Dlisted]
I loved all of the clips from Beyonce’s first Renaissance concert. [LaineyGossip]
All the details on Beyonce’s tour costumes. [Tom & Lorenzo]
Beavis & Butthead are judging Nicki Minaj. [OMG Blog]
Everyone’s raving about Emma Cline’s The Guest. [Jezebel]
Karlie Kloss is doing big jewelry with her pregnancy. [Egotastic]
Hug a Swiftie today, they’re in meltdown about her new relationship. [Buzzfeed]
Kate Beckinsale’s style is so extra, lol. [RCFA]
George Santos has legal issues in Brazil too. [Towleroad]

Taylor Swift and Matt(y) Healy are still happening, much to the chagrin of Taylor’s fanbase. I’m not entirely sure what the worst part is for the Snake Fam – is it that Taylor probably cheated on and dumped Joe Alwyn? Is that Taylor kind of sh-t talked Joe and her people made it sound like Taylor had to get out of a six-year relationship because Joe wasn’t comfortable with her fame? Is it that Taylor likely overlapped the start of her thing with Healy and the end of her relationship with Joe? Or is that Matt Healy seems like a rude, racist, bigoted mess? All of the above? Well, Taylor is still doing this boyfriend rollout, regardless of what her fans think. The Sun (a British tabloid) broke the Swealy story, then the first official appearances were in Nashville last weekend. Now their love tour has moved to New York:

Do you really wanna know where she was on … May 11? Taylor Swift and Matty Healy — who sparked romance rumors earlier this month — were spotted “kissing” on Thursday at Casa Cipriani in New York City, where “they sat next to each other at a banquette in the lounge,” an eyewitness tells Page Six.

The spy further told us that neither of them had ordered any food while they were “cuddling and kissing.”

Nonetheless, they weren’t completely on their own as Jack Antonoff sat with them, and “security was around them.”

For their outing, the “Anti-Hero” singer sported a green and yellow dress with velvet Mary Janes. She completed the look with her staple red lipstick while she sipped on her drink.
Healy, on the other hand, seemingly wore a suit to their date. Shortly after being spotted by our eyewitness, they left Cipriani “holding hands” while being covered by an umbrella to maintain their privacy.

On May 3, sources told The Sun that the pair had been dating for less than two months but were already “madly in love.”

[From Page Six]

The London-to-Nashville-to-New York tour is giving me a flashback to the Tiddles Worldwide Love Tour in 2016. I’m saying that as a compliment – I adored the worldwide Tiddles Tour. They were having so much fun, they were enjoying the game so much. Maybe that’s the silver lining for the Snake Fam? This has a love-drunk Tiddles feel to it, something which is fun and exciting for several months and then burns out quickly. It will be curious to see how often Healy joins her while she’s on tour. The 1975’s summer tour starts in Europe in early June, so my guess is that they’re probably going to spend the next two weeks together or so and then they might be apart for much of the summer. We’ll see.

Here are the photos from their date night. Jack Antonoff is going to end up getting canceled by the Snake Fam too if he’s not careful.

Taylor Swift and Matty Healy spotted out for dinner with Jack Antonoff. pic.twitter.com/PCgOQToxav

— Pop Base (@PopBase) May 11, 2023

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Backgrid.

Prince Harry’s multiple lawsuits and court cases against the British tabloids are bad news for the Windsors. As I’ve noted, Harry is in a win-win position at the moment, especially with the current trial against the Mirror Group Newspapers, publishers of the Daily Mirror and Sunday Mirror. Harry’s argument is that there are hundreds of old Mirror articles which were sourced from illegal methods (phone hacking, bribery & blagging). The Mirror’s argument, from the very start of the trial, is that most of the articles were actually sourced through royal offices, i.e., the courtiers working for Harry’s father and grandmother were leaking sh-t about Harry constantly. Both scenarios prove Harry’s long-standing arguments: the tabloids are a criminal enterprise and the Windsors are in bed with the criminal British media. Harry knows a lot of secrets too, including the huge, secret settlement Prince William received from the Sun. Will more revelations like that come out? Hopefully. And it’s got the Windsors shaking in their proverbial boots. Some highlights from the Royalist’s latest piece:

Prince Harry’s upcoming testimony in his case against the Mirror: A friend of Prince William told The Daily Beast: “I think the family know he could say anything and no one is looking forward to it. Harry seems to be obsessed by the idea that everyone was in cahoots with the media, so presumably there will be lots more of that.”

William’s “very large” settlement from NGN: The Daily Beast understands that William settled with the paper for around £1m ($1.15m) and that while the exact terms of the deal were confidential, they were not kept secret from Harry, and that he could have participated in the deal and got a similar settlement.

Camilla is mad too: A friend of Camilla’s, whom Harry accused in his book of sacrificing him on her “PR altar,” told The Daily Beast that while the king and queen were “deeply hurt” by Harry’s actions so far, and were likely to be further upset if he repeats previous allegations or makes new ones in court, they “absolutely accept he has the right to his day in court like any other private citizen.”

Camilla’s connections to Mark Bolland & Piers Morgan: Asked if Camilla was unnerved by claims made in a skeleton argument submitted to the court this week that her and Charles’ former spin doctor, Mark Bolland, may have been the source of stories about Harry—including one that Harry had caught glandular fever after kissing girls—and that Bolland was a drinking pal of then-Mirror editor Piers Morgan (who has become one of the Sussexes’ most vituperative critics) and fed him stories, the friend said: “I’m sure it won’t be pleasant, but don’t forget, people have said all sorts of horrible things about her over the years and she hasn’t snapped yet. Anyone who knows her knows the idea she would have been encouraging Bolland to sell out Harry to the Mirror is just complete rubbish.”

Harry will testify for three days & Omid Scobie will testify too: As well as showing that Harry is due to be on the stand for three long days of testifying and cross-examination in early June, the timetable shows that next week, Sussex cheerleader and biographer Omid Scobie is due to testify on Harry’s behalf. Court papers suggest he will testify that when interning at the showbiz desk of MGN Sunday paper The People he, “was given a list of mobile telephone numbers and a verbal description of how to listen to voicemails, as if it were a routine newsgathering technique.”

[From The Daily Beast]

“Harry seems to be obsessed by the idea that everyone was in cahoots with the media, so presumably there will be lots more of that.” The Mirror’s literal defense is “we got all of this info on Harry because his father’s staff briefed us over drinks and fancy meals.” Institutional gaslighting, my god. “While the exact terms of the deal were confidential, they were not kept secret from Harry, and that he could have participated in the deal and got a similar settlement.” I’m still stuck on this, because I seriously doubt that Harry learned about William’s secret 2020 settlement from William or William’s office. I still want to know how Harry learned of it and whether he knows the terms.

As for Camilla… Mark Bolland was HER PR guru, the one she convinced Charles to hire, the one who came up with Project Queen Camilla, a three-decades-long operation to make this conniving side chick the queen consort. All of the coronation hoopla has just emphasized (to me) that Camilla still isn’t ready for primetime – that her image is a house of cards, and Harry knows exactly what she did to him and what she did to Meghan too. Camilla thought nothing of wining and dining Jeremy Clarkson AND Piers Morgan last December, remember.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.

It definitely feels like the cyclical nature of fascism and stupidity is really kicking everyone’s ass lately. It would be less disconcerting if we, as a society, didn’t treat the twin movements of “ignorance” and “violent fascism” like they were brand new, like there’s no way to know how to deal with these people. Too many people have the memories of fruit flies, like they can’t even remember what f–king worked two and a half years ago. In 2016, CNN gave hundreds of hours of free media time to then-candidate Donald Trump. CNN would simply run his Nazi rallies live on air, with little to no fact-checking or commentary. That was largely the policy for cable news up until November 2020, when Trump lost his mind on Election Night and began spouting the lies which would lead to an armed insurrection at the Capitol on January 6th, 2021. What news organizations learned from November 2020 through January 2021 is that they cannot just blindly platform Trump and his lies and his violent threats. They have a civic and corporate responsibility to not put him on air without any context.

Well, this week, CNN decided to play it like it was 2016 all over again. The day after Trump was found liable for sexual abuse and defamation of E. Jean Carroll, CNN aired a “town hall” with the twice-impeached and currently indicted insurrectionist Donald Trump. As I said yesterday, it was grossly irresponsible on CNN’s part. CNN was widely criticized by all sides in the 24 hours after the town hall. Well, it got so bad that Anderson Cooper was ordered to make a statement about it at the start of his CNN show last night:

“You have every right to be outraged today and angry and never watch this network again. But do you think staying in your silo and only listening to people you agree with is going to make that person go away?” I’m so embarrassed for Anderson Cooper right now. What the f–k does he think he’s doing? Of course sensible people know that Trump is not “going away” any time soon. We also know that the white nationalist movement is not “going away,” but we would all agree that it would be f–king irresponsible for a news network to air a neo-Nazi town hall unedited, without fact-checking and without context, correct? Well, that’s exactly what CNN did. AGAIN. Just like they did in 2016 (and 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020). Why is CNN acting like November 2020 didn’t happen? That the insurrection didn’t happen? We shouldn’t have to watch as a major news network re-learns that it’s a bad idea to act as the go-to platform for a violent sexual predator, white nationalist and insurrectionist.

Photos courtesy of Cover Images, screencap from CNN.

Here are some photos of Princess Beatrice at various events from the past week – on Tuesday, she was the royal guest at the Oscar’s Book Prize, and she wore a terrible ruffled dress. Beatrice and Eugenie were also included at the coronation – at Westminster Abbey, although I don’t know if they went to the palace afterwards – and at the coronation concert and the “big lunch.” It was nice that their uncle included them, I thought, especially since Prince Harry was so happy to see his cousins. The Yorks acted as buffers and that was fine.

It also felt like the public was actually happy to see Beatrice and Eugenie. However much we hate their father, Beatrice and Eugenie seem like shockingly well-adjusted women and they’re quite popular whenever they are out and about. So with all of the gloom and doom about how old and stale the “working royal” group is these days, what are the chances that Beatrice would actually step up and become a working royal? I tend to believe that Eugenie already has one foot out the door, and she’s clearly exploring her options outside of the royal family and outside of the UK. But Beatrice, as ever, wants to be a “working royal.”

Just days before the coronation, the Times of London ran a simple column by Frank Young, in which Young argued that King Charles should ask Beatrice and Zara Phillips to become “working royals” and RSVP some of the many invitations piling up at the palace. No matter what, we’re going to see a significant shift in the next year – we’ll either see the Windsors curtail their appearances significantly out of advanced age and laziness, OR we’ll see King Charles beg Beatrice and some other royals and royal-adjacents to pick up some slack.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images, Backgrid.

E. Jean Carroll should sue Donald Trump for defamation again, because he’s still defaming her even after she won her civil suit. [Jezebel]
Lizzy Caplan wore purple tights out of nowhere. [GFY]
Justin Bieber has so many tattoos. [JustJared]
I’ve loved what we’ve seen of Beyonce’s visuals so far. [LaineyGossip]
Look at this good dog who won Best in Show!! [Dlisted]
I hate how much I love Penelope Cruz’s beautiful Dolce & Gabbana dress. [RCFA]
This week’s episode of Succession was sooo good (spoilers). [Pajiba]
A Ryan Reynolds-James Marsden crossover, in a great way. [Seriously OMG]
Why would anyone fill a swimming pool with nachos? [Starcasm]
Questions you should never ask an Australian. [Buzzfeed]
I really hope Disney destroys Ron DeSantis. [Towleroad]

Trump’s detailed story about the circumstances surrounding E. Jean Carroll’s sexual assault allegation against him was bizarre pic.twitter.com/miNoWwrKpE

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 11, 2023

Back in January, as Prince Harry promoted his bestselling memoir, he made it clear that he felt he and Meghan were owed an apology from his family. In the months since, no apologies were forthcoming, a fact which the British media reveled in, because they believed it was some kind of “own” of Harry, the fact that his dogsh-t family has continuously hurt, degraded and marginalized the Sussexes. In those months without apology, King Charles evicted the Sussexes from Frogmore Cottage, the home for which they paid $3 million-plus, and Charles publicly lobbied Harry to come to his coronation on Archie’s birthday. Harry and Charles finally communicated, Harry did the brief coronation appearance, and there’s no royal event coming up which the family can use as a cudgel to “force” or manipulate Harry into coming back. So here we are – Harry has made it clear that his home is in California with Meghan and their children, the Windsors have made it clear that they will continue to be despicable gaslighting abusers, and that’s it. So, of course, Prince William’s team wants to make it sound like it was all William’s call.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be kept at a “distance” by King Charles and Prince William for the foreseeable future, sources have told The Daily Beast. One source, a friend of William’s, told The Daily Beast that William and Kate Middleton’s opposition to Charles making frequent concessions to Harry would have to be respected by Charles, after he used the coronation to make a point of emphasizing their joint responsibility with him for the monarchy and its direction of travel.

On Tuesday, the day after the coronation celebrations formally ended, it was William and Kate who were the frontmen at a Buckingham Palace garden party for 5,000 people that Charles and Camilla did not attend. They are vastly more popular than the new king and queen.

The friend of William’s said: “It’s very clear that William and Kate are now extremely important members of the institution, so their view on Harry, which is basically the further away the better, will have to be taken into account. Put it this way: I don’t think anyone expects Harry to get an invite to William’s coronation.”

Sources have told The Daily Beast that William feels completely betrayed by his brother revealing his secrets and now “hates” Harry. Sources have told The Daily Beast he was particularly angered by Harry’s retelling the Nazi unform story in such a way as to implicate him and Kate.

A friend of Charles and Camilla told The Daily Beast that the “opportunity” and “pressure” for a solution to the feud that the prospect of the coronation had presented had now elapsed. The friend said: “The opportunity that was there for Harry to sort this out with the king is gone for now. Of course, Charles would always welcome a reconciliation with Harry and Meghan, he has made that very clear, and his door is always open in that regard. But now the coronation is done, I think Charles will want to focus on the job of being king, rather than to continue being distracted by Harry and Meghan drama.”

Asked if Charles was more willing to hit pause on the goal of reconciling with the Sussexes now that he didn’t “need” them at the coronation, the friend of the king said: “He’s not that cynical. But having Harry there was very important for him so, yes, there was pressure there. But he is immensely hurt by what Harry has done in the films and books, and Harry clearly feels aggrieved too, so I think a bit of distance now will suit everyone.”

[From The Daily Beast]

These absolute gaslighting freaks. “The opportunity that was there for Harry to sort this out with the king is gone for now. Of course, Charles would always welcome a reconciliation with Harry and Meghan, he has made that very clear, and his door is always open in that regard.” After Charles refused to call Harry for months, after Charles made a point of “refusing” to see Harry when H was in town for the court hearing, after Harry laid out exactly what he wanted from his father publicly, suddenly Charles’s door is always open and it’s up to Harry to “sort this out.” And Charles is exactly that cynical – he communicated with Harry as a means to an end, to get Harry at the coronation. Now that’s over.

All that being said, Harry knows his father’s and brother’s myopic weaknesses more than anyone. These “leaks” from Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace probably mean that Harry is the one who has made it clear that they need to take his name out of their f–king mouths forever. The quotes from “a friend of William’s” are particularly telling – William is raging at his father and demanding that Charles stop trying to reconcile with Harry.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.