Let’s start at the very beginning… (meant to be sung, in the manner of Julie Andrews). This was not the best Oscar telecast in recent memory. I’ve made a resolution to be nicer this year, so I’ll say this: I don’t think Neil Patrick Harris did a bad job. He’s a song-and-dance man, not a stand-up comedian, and when he did make an off-the-cuff joke, it usually came off as either awkward or rather dark and biting. The best joke of the opening monologue was “Today we honor Hollywood’s best and whitest. Sorry, brightest.” #OscarsSoWhite.

From there, NPH moved swiftly to the Song & Dance Opening Number: It was one of the worst-kept secrets that Anna Kendrick was going to sing something and everyone know NPH would sing, but the shock was Jack Black. I didn’t hate the number, honestly. It set the tone for the long, tedious night we were facing. In any case, you can see the full list of Oscar winners here, and here are some of my notable moments (note: this recap is by no means comprehensive, these are just some of the moments I found interesting).

#AskHerMore: My Oscar Nerd Rage started long before the Oscars began when some idiot thought it would be a brilliant idea to not ask anyone which designer did their gowns/suits. So, we have a multi-billion-dollar red carpet industry based on branding and putting celebrities in (free) gowns and jewelry with the understanding that those celebrities will publicly identify with those brands. But, but…feminism! Right? Nope. You can be a feminist and still give a shout-out to your dress designer. Believe it or not, I don’t think a crowded red carpet is the best venue to discuss “deeper” things. And here’s something else: if a lady doesn’t want to answer the question about who designed her FREE dress, she has the right to say “I don’t want to say.”

The Batch #1: Benedict Cumberbatch didn’t photo-bomb anyone, but he had several noteworthy (meme-worthy) moments. He was one of the first cut-aways of the night, doing a bit where he was drinking from a flask. YES!

Dear Oscars: thank you for bringing this GIF into our lives. http://t.co/mJJRlLbV6k pic.twitter.com/HZTcOWbz8W

— E! Online (@eonline) February 23, 2015

The Batch #2: Then the Cumberbomber got Travolta-bombed. This is amazing.

You in danger, gurl pic.twitter.com/uuXUBW6p45

— Gabriel Arana (@gabrielarana) February 23, 2015

The Grand Budapest Hotel: the film won many of the technical awards, like Costume, Production Design, and Hair & Makeup. Well deserved. In a perfect year, Ralph Fiennes would have been nominated for his wonderful performance too. I couldn’t believe TGBH didn’t win for Screenplay though – Wes Anderson lost to Birdman’s script, which SUCKED.

Notable snubs: Wes Anderson and Richard Linklater have never won Oscars. Ever.

Pawe? Pawlikowski: He won for Best Foreign Film for Ida was great – he joyfully and unapologetically talked through the music playing him off. He told all of his Polish friends to keep drinking too.

NPH’s awkward moments: There were a lot of them, right? The bit with Octavia Spencer fell flat. The bit with David Oyelowo making an Annie joke? Eh. There were groans when he made a “treason” joke about Edward Snowden right after Citizenfour won Best Documentary.

Common & John Legend: their performance of “Glory” brought grown men to tears. David Oyelowo and Chris Pine were openly crying glorious man tears during the standing ovation and it was amazing!

Chris Pine, you have never been sexier #Oscars pic.twitter.com/4HozgyVOWw

— People magazine (@peoplemag) February 23, 2015

Everything Is Awesome: the trippy, crazy performance of the Oscar-nominated song “Everything Is Awesome” was pretty awesome – you can see the performance here.

Awkward pairings: Putting interesting people together to present awards is a fine art, but there were some bad calls last night. One of the major ones? Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo, because it created a false equivalency that they were “equally” snubbed for nominations. They were not. David should have been nominated legitimately for his extraordinary performance in Selma. Aniston should have been laughed out of town for trying to buy her way into the process.

Adele Dazeem lives! One of the best NPH jokes was this: “Benedict Cumberbatch: the name you get when you ask John Travolta to announce Ben Affleck.” Then Adele Dazeem herself came out (Idina Menzel) to jokingly mangle John Travolta’s name, and they presented together. It was cute, although Travolta is being criticized for awkwardly kissing and face-touching various ladies throughout the night.

Lady Gaga: Most of us forgot that Gaga can actually sing, and she did so rather flawlessly and beautifully last night during the tribute to the 50th anniversary of The Sound of Music. She did a medley of songs from the film and while she’s no Julie Andrews, Gaga did very, very well. Truly. Plus Original Gangster Julie Andrews came out after Gaga and she got a standing ovation!! YES!!

Graham Moore: I had no idea The Imitation Game was written by a Yank! Moore won Best Adapted Screenplay for TIG and his speech was very moving – he spoke about a suicide attempt he made when he was just a kid, because he felt different – go here to see.

Sean Penn Is Awkward/Racist: Penn came out to present the final award, Best Picture, to Birdman. When he read the envelope, Penn quipped, “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” He was making a reference to Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. It was taken as a racist moment. It bugged me too, but for what it’s worth, Penn and Inarritu have known each other for years, having worked together on 21 Grams. They are friends and Inarritu defended Penn’s comment as a “hilarious” joke.

My favorite moment: when Eddie Redmayne won Best Actor. Seriously. I was genuinely surprised because I thought it would end up going to Keaton. And while I wouldn’t have been sad if Keaton had won, I was beyond thrilled that Redmayne won and it was one of the few genuine moments of surprise from the evening.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

It was a good night for Rosamund Pike, all around. Her dress was the best one she’s worn all season, which is a relief, and it managed to be not boring in a sea of beiges. And she was fun – she’s known to be maybe not the easiest interview, but she seemed to be enjoying herself …      

It wasn’t until two thirds into the show, into candy and onion rings and punchiness, that I realized I hadn’t seen Ava DuVernay. I was shocked, but when I brought it up, nobody else had seen her either. She’d just not been on camera.

I mean, it’s a director, not an ac…      

Chloe Grace Moretz is 18 years old. And if we’re going to make a Lindsay Lohan comparison, it wouldn’t work here, at the Oscars, because Chloe didn’t do a Lohan. She didn’t try to become The Fashion Moment. Which is why I quite like this choice. For who she is, for the job…      

First of all, Margot Robbie looked spectacular. It was the first real showstopper on the carpet, black with sleeves and – bold statement here – the best necklace of the evening.

But what I love most about Margot Robbie is that she has shown up on the carpet and …      

We had a final rehearsal and sound check for etalk at the Oscars until around noon. I was upstairs on the balcony overlooking the auditorium entrance when Jessica Chastain casually walked down the carpet, with her hood pulled up and a pair of casual pants, no handler, no publicist, just by hersel…      

I swear that I thought for the longest time that I didn’t like Anna Faris and Chris Pratt. I don’t know why exactly, but I think it probably had a lot to do with The House Bunny, which is unfair. Or the fact that they’re kind of, like, loud goofs and I try my best to restrain my…      

Nothing but love for the steeze that Tegan and Sara brought to the carpet at the Oscars, and not just because they’re Canadian. Also not just because Mae Whitman is in their I Was A Fool video. But that too. All of that, on top of the fact that they are talented and awesome and cute and not…      

What a night for Musical Theatre Nerds! We are legion and we are getting ever stronger. And it surprised nobody that if you’re doing a musical sequence, you get Anna Kendrick to come on board and pick things up. And Anna Kendrick will deliver for you, no matter what. I mean if I were being …      

It was such a promising beginning, wasn’t it?

Look. There wasn’t anyone not on Neil Patrick Harris’s team last night. Which, of course, is a testament to his popularity but also, perhaps, in retrospect, a detriment too because, well, he was the one we all EXPECTED to deliver…