Piers Morgan is a tired old douchebag. I wish Britain would take him back, but I think we’re sort of stuck with him here in America. Can we come to some kind of agreement, Britain? We’ll keep Piers and you take half of the Kardashian-Jenner clan. How about that? Anyway, Piers was invited to the Oscars (to cover them) and he also got invites to some major parties, like the Weinstein Company’s pre-Oscar party the Saturday before the Oscars, and the Vanity Fair Oscar party. And he ended up running into Benedict Cumberbatch at both events. Only on Saturday night, Benedict said something mean about Piers behind his back, so no Piers HATES Bendy. Here are the relevant portions of Piers’ bitchy Mean Girl Oscar Diary.

Saturday night, The Weinstein pre-Oscar party
On a roll, I passed Benedict Cumberbatch on the way into dinner, an actor I’ve long admired on and off screen, and who my whole family, led by my mother, seem to adore. Last year, I interviewed him on the Oscars red carpet and he couldn’t have been more friendly or charming.
So I assumed he would greet my appearance with the same warmth that had drawn him over to my CNN cameras 12 months ago.

‘Good luck tomorrow night, Benedict,’ I gushed. ‘Loved the movie.’

‘Thank you Piers,’ he replied, slightly less enthusiastically. ‘That’s kind of you to say.’

I walked on, then I turned back to see where my wife Celia was, and spotted Benedict and a bearded chap exchanging what looked like mocking glances at me. Celia, who’d been standing right next to them at the time, looked bemused when she reached me. ‘Did you say something to upset Benedict?’

‘No, why?’

‘Because I’m fairly sure I just heard him say “ODIOUS man” about you, emphasising the first word and rolling out the “o” for good effect.’ I felt a dagger pierce my trusting heart.

‘Fairly sure, or certain?’

‘99.9%. It could have been “Oh, delicious man,” but I think we both know that’s unlikely.’

I looked back at Benedict who caught my eye then glanced away sheepishly. I’ve no idea what might have provoked such new secret loathing. Keira Knightley, his co-star in The Imitation Game, can’t stand me after I berated her a few years ago for constantly moaning about the press – and for saying she has the world’s most annoying pout, which is just an indisputable fact. So maybe she poisoned his mind. Or maybe Benedict’s just reached this verdict all by himself, which of course he’s perfectly entitled to do. I’d just admire him rather more if next time, rather than shake my hand and exchange platitudes, he has the b**** to look me in the eye and say: ‘Go away Piers, you odious man.’

Sunday, at the Vanity Fair party:
We spied Joan and Jackie Collins in a booth together, and went over to exchange suitably luvvie hugs and air-kisses. Then I suddenly realised they were sitting with Benedict Cumberbatch.

I blanked him, deliberately, coldly, and in a way that could leave no room for misinterpretation. Mr Cumberbatch needs to reflect on his duplicitous actions. If not for me, then for my mother who will be distraught when she reads this.

[From The Daily Mail]

I’m sorry, but I find it funny that Piers Morgan is so butthurt. Piers Morgan IS an odious man but Benedict should have said that to Piers’ face. And I love that Piers is so lacking is self-awareness that he would actually be offended when someone says he’s odious. If you go and read Piers’ whole Oscar diary, it’s pretty funny too – he’s just name-dropping all of the cool people who said “hello” to him and I guess Benedict was the only one to say one mean thing about him. Piers should know by now: Bendy is the Queen Bee of Bitchy Mean Girls.

Photos courtesy of WENN.