What a moment for Gary Goldsmith to give a tell-all interview to the Times of London. The Times actually put a disclaimer on this piece, that the interview was conducted on March 14th, a full week before the Princess of Wales’s cancer and chemotherapy announcement. The Times still published it in the wake of Kate’s video, and honestly, I can see why. Dodgy Uncle Gary was extremely chatty and he was doing all of the Windsors’ dirty work. That’s what we saw during Gary’s four days on Celebrity Big Brother as well – he toed the company line, bad-mouthing the Sussexes and treating the Princess of Wales and the other royals like they are god’s gift. In retrospect, he did all of the CBB stuff while Kate was dealing with her cancer diagnosis too. In this piece, Gary once again has a lot of nasty sh-t to say about the Sussexes, quelle surprise. I wish the Middletons and Waleses understood that Gary makes them all look crass and tacky. Some highlights:

How much he was paid to appear on CBB: “Half a watch. £100,000. That’s a half a watch. I collect them.” Goldsmith shows me his beautiful blue Rolex. It’s 1.30pm. He has already drunk at least one bottle of champagne.

Changing perceptions: “I’m the uncle to the future queen of England and yet the perceptions I want to change are that I’m this wife-beating, drug-dealer pimp. Will you help me do that?”

The Mother’s Day frankenphoto: “Can we just agree that my Kate photoshopping a beautiful family photo is not the crime of the century?”

The Goldsmiths are not racist: “That’s why it makes me so angry about what Meghan said about Kate. Me and Carole grew up in a community as diverse as a Woolies pick’n’mix counter. All the cultures you can think of. The idea that Laughing Girl says Kate is racist makes me furious. Kate knows her family’s roots and is proud of them. I’m sorry, but Laughing Girl is not good people.” Occasionally we’ll need a glossary to get through this interview. Laughing Girl is Meghan Markle. “Not good people” obviously means Goldsmith is not a fan.

He told Carole to take Party Pieces online: “I said to her, ‘Why haven’t you taken it online?’ She says, ‘Women don’t go on the internet.’ Can you believe that?” he marvels. Party Pieces was sold but guess what: Goldsmith knows the guy at Teddy Tastic Bear Co who bought it. “He’s a mate and he picked it up for less than the six weeks’ rent I got for my villa last summer. I mentioned that to Carole; it didn’t go down well. I can be somewhat of a dick sometimes.”

Is Kate OK? “Yes. I called Carole before I did CBB. And no, she didn’t read me the riot act like the papers said, didn’t even ask about it. I just asked about how Kate was doing. She’s getting the best care imaginable. Leave her be.”

Whether William & Kate are still happy: “Great question. And I’m going to be as honest as I can be. Our beloved Queen Elizabeth dies and they lose the security of their grandmother. Then Will’s father has only just had his bloody coins printed and suddenly he’s got significant health worries too. Then they’ve also got this bloody uncle that no one would want, because the arrogance and naivety of Andrew is just beyond me. I’ve been in the same room as him and, believe me, that was enough. I’ve got more chance of making it onto the Palace balcony than he has. And then you’ve got Harry. F*** me! He and that woman are chasing the American corporate dollar and that is so, so ugly. William, Harry and Kate were such a happy little trio and it got totally ruined. With all that going on — and there is other stuff going on that is not in the public domain — are they at their absolute happiest? No. Their kids bring them a lot of joy, but no.”

More about the Sussexes: “No, I don’t have insider knowledge but my sense is the fam will never turn their back on Harry fully. He’s naive to think he can throw his family under the bus and still get invited for Christmas at Sandringham. I mean, how stupid can you be? Harry wouldn’t even make my pub quiz team, but he was loved by us all and he had the best job in the world. He had all the privilege but with diminished duties. He had the house, the money, the polo and could choose his royal patronages, with everyone accepting he was a bit fruit bat with the whole prince thing. I think he’ll be back but only if he says sorry. He upset his nan and that is unforgivable. But let’s face it, Laughing Girl isn’t going to be around for ever, is she? I think she’s fickle. And I think she’s so bad for Harry and for our country.”

His thoughts on ‘Spare’: “Spare was a joke. It’s pathetic. A frontline soldier for this country getting tearful because he broke his string necklace and landed in the dog bowl. [In Spare, Harry recounted how, when William called Meghan “rude” and “abrasive”, they got into a physical fight in which Harry’s bracelet was broken and he fell into a ceramic dog bowl.] Putin will be laughing at us, if that’s the best we’ve got.”

Whether Carole masterminded William & Kate’s relationship: “All that stuff about Carole trying to get Kate and William together in a house in Hungerford was bollocks. Yes, my sister is quite cunning and devious. She’s like me — that’s how you run a business. If you haven’t got that wily attitude in you, you are not going to make things happen. But 100 per cent there was no dastardly plan to put William and Kate together. And all that stuff about them meeting at St Andrews is wrong too. They met at school. The Marlborough girls and Eton boys do a lot of stuff together. But even when there were events where Kate knew William would be there, she sometimes didn’t go. Always puts family first, that girl.”

[From The Times]

Excuse me? “He and that woman are chasing the American corporate dollar and that is so, so ugly. William, Harry and Kate were such a happy little trio and it got totally ruined. With all that going on — and there is other stuff going on that is not in the public domain — are they at their absolute happiest? No. Their kids bring them a lot of joy, but no.” That is… a lot to unpack. Finally, an acknowledgement that William and Kate are pretty unhappy, although it does seem like Gary knew something about Kate’s health at this point. The whole thing with Gary – and many other people – being so obsessed with Harry “coming back” to be with William and Kate is so unhealthy and gross too. They really want Harry to leave his wife and children, all to be William’s doormat and fall guy? The stuff about William’s violent assault on Harry too, the way people continue to minimize it is really creepy. Anyway, the world would be a much better place if Gary Goldsmith took Harry and Meghan’s names out of his f–king mouth.

Photos/screencaps courtesy of Celebrity Big Brother.