Imagine your sister’s business just collapsed into bankruptcy, but not before she defrauded people out of millions of dollars. Imagine your niece is the future queen consort of the United Kingdom, and not only that, your niece is going through some kind of major health crisis which has seen her hospitalized in secrecy for weeks and there’s a projected months-long recovery process. If that’s what your family was going through, wouldn’t you do everything you could to simply ensure that your sister and niece are doing okay, and wouldn’t you try to avoid courting public controversy for a while? Well, Gary Goldsmith doesn’t care. He’s making too much money as an anti-Sussex troll-for-hire. Gary has put his name on some of the most excruciatingly nasty anti-Sussex essays for the Mail, and he’s built a very sad little career for himself as someone perfectly willing to say and do tacky things for paltry paychecks. Well, now Dodgy Uncle Gary has signed on to Celebrity Big Brother, and he’s promised to “tell all” about… the Sussexes.

The Princess of Wales’ uncle Gary Goldsmith has signed up to take part in Celebrity Big Brother. Insiders said the controversial businessman had negotiated a hefty contract with the ITV show’s bosses. Gary — brother of Kate’s mum Carole — had been locked in talks with them but signed his deal today.

A source said: “Gary is champing at the bit to get on Celebrity Big Brother. He finalised the terms of his deal today and can’t wait to enter the house.”

Gary, 58, auditioned for I’m A Celebrity last year but was rejected at the final stage over fears it could embarrass Kate and William. Insiders said Gary, who attended Kate’s marriage to Wills in 2011, is CBB’s most controversial signing.

The source added: “The CBB team love him because of his link to Kate and the fact that he’s confident and loud and won’t hold back. He’s made it clear he will talk about everything and anything, and he’s pretty outspoken when it comes to Harry and Meghan. Gary also holds a deep affection for Kate and Wills and will be able to give a fascinating insight into what it’s really like being related to the future King and Queen. He could be TV gold and ITV knows it. The deal he signed is for good money.”

[From The Sun]

I can’t wait to hear what Gary says about his niece’s racism, or Carole’s fraud or the James’s many failed businesses. I guess all of those topics are off-limits though – he will obviously be given talking points about the Sussexes and all of this is just some kind of royalist theater. What’s worse is that the royalists don’t even want any part of it. They know Gary is a loose canon and he could accidentally say the wrong thing and the whole precarious house of cards could start to fall:

Royal experts have now criticised the decision to welcome him into the Celebrity Big Brother house – calling the move ’embarrassing’ and possibly ‘dangerous’ to the Royal Family during a testing period. Angela Levin told The Sun: ‘I think it’s cringe-making, very embarrassing, the trouble is he doesn’t like Harry and Meghan at all, some of this comments will fall onto Catherine and she’s had a lot against her, she’s not well, she’s in hospital. I think when you come out of an operation you’re quite vulnerable and this could upset her enormously. In principle people who don’t like her could say she encouraged him to do it, but she would have done nothing of the kind. It’s very embarrassing. It’s very hard being a Royal, and I don’t know if this is a good idea.’

Royal biographer Richard Fitzwilliams agreed that the news would be the ‘last thing’ Kate needs while she is in hospital and noted that he doesn’t think the Middleton’s will be ‘particularly delighted’. Mr Fitzwilliams believes Mr Goldsmith would not be popular on the show, and adds that he will probably be a ‘big yawn’.

‘I think he will try really hard to make comments about the Sussexes, because I don’t think most people know who he is and most people are that interested,’ he said.

[From The Daily Mail]

You mean they’re acknowledging that it looks really bad that Kate’s uncle can’t STFU about the Sussexes? They’re acknowledging that Gary’s messiness and lies reflect poorly on KATE? Well, I never. You know what also looks bad? Gary has always been “the rich one” – he reportedly made a fortune over twenty years ago and he’s been living a semi-retired life in Mallorca and England ever since. But all of Gary’s moves scream “broke ass.” I mean, repeatedly auditioning for Celebrity Big Brother? How broke is he?

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red.