Is it me, or is Kesha glowing lately? Not in the pregnant way–in the ‘I’ve been working really hard on all my baggage and am now at peace with myself,’ way. Part of that is the look she’s presenting with the release of her latest album, Gag Order, that came out last month. It’s a dewy, no-makeup look (although I’m sure it takes a careful application of makeup to achieve it), and it’s on full display in her photo shoot for Self magazine. In the June cover story, Kesha is once again searingly honest, and breaks news on recent health issues–Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID), and how it impacted a recent reproductive health procedure:

‘You need to go on a mountain and scream’: Kesha is striving to be more forthright about what she’s going through, rather than trying to keep things hyper-positive for others’ sake. “I’ve never, ever been in touch with my anger, and my acupuncturist told me, ‘You need to go on a mountain and scream.’” At first, Kesha didn’t identify with that kind of fury–”I was like, ‘No, I really don’t feel angry,’” she says. But when she followed this advice, just to see, and poured her voice out in nature, she was surprised to find that, yes, she did feel angry–ferociously, explosively angry. She realized she needed healthy ways to regularly release the pressure valve on all the rage that had mounted inside of her.

On what led to her CVID diagnosis: Initially, Kesha sought medical care because she felt alarmingly fatigued and run-down on a daily basis, which she assumed was a consequence of overextending herself. “When you’re lucky enough to have a song that catches on, you’re just trying to keep up. I had a really hard time saying no to interviews or photo shoots because I didn’t want to let my one chance fall away by not being able to fulfill every request. It led to severe exhaustion physically and mentally,” Kesha says. To preserve her health, Kesha had to do away with her yearslong practice of saying yes to everything and everyone. Instead, she’s decided to change course and try something novel: rest.

Her near-death experience: “I almost died in January,” Kesha begins. She’s speaking deliberately, alternately staring into me and casting her eyes down. Last year, she froze her eggs. Some weeks after, on New Year’s Eve, she performed in the Bahamas, and after the show, she found she was too weak to walk. She went to the hospital, where doctors discovered that she had developed an uncommon yet serious complication from the fertility procedure, which they attributed, in part, to her weakened immune system. (Kesha chose to share some of the specifics off the record.) She was transferred to a hospital in Miami, where she spent nine days. “I finally feel recovered, but it took a couple months,” she says. “It was horrifying.” It was a wrenching outcome for a hugely personal decision–one she’d made because her album was coming out, and she wanted more time to think through what it meant to have a child in the world today without feeling rushed or distracted.

This is so sweet: Kesha knows life is painful. Just as much as she accepts anger and sadness and illness, she’s striving to let in whatever shred of bliss comes her way. As a part of that, Kesha sends gratitude to the former selves that ushered this one into being. “One of my practices is, on the back of my phone, I have a picture of myself as a kid, and I have to look at it and send love,” she says. “I look back in the same way at pictures of me when I was 22.”

Treat yourself with kindness: “If I just am kinder to myself, everything seems way more manageable,” Kesha explains. “When I first came out, I had this bravado, and it seemed like I don’t give a f—, which, there are elements of that, but I’m only human. After receiving so many comments about what was wrong with me, I started taking the meanest commentary as the truth and my higher power. I started internalizing it.” That’s over and done with, Kesha says: “I had to start talking to myself like someone who loves me.”

[From Self]

“I had to start talking to myself like someone who loves me.” EGADS I’m a wreck. Yes, yes and yes to this–not because I practice it but because I need to hear it. Throughout the article the writer takes note of Kesha’s doubts on whether to open up about her very personal experiences. I’m glad she decided to share all that she did, because she gave so much that resonated with me, as I’m sure it did with many, many more. We all benefit when women share their stories.

One thing I’ve come to realize about myself is that I can get easily overwhelmed with big ideas, and what’s actually helpful is to find small, actionable steps to get going. Kesha has graciously offered some help with that, too! So, if anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be taping baby pictures to my phone and screaming on a mountain. Look, we all have to start somewhere.


photos credit Backgrid and via Instagram/Kesha and Self