We knew that Dan Wootton would cry salty tears about something involving the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and the godforsaken Jubbly, but I’m always curious to see just how nitpicky these people are and what arguments they make. Harry and Meghan were quiet for their four days in the UK. They went to church, they went to Trooping the Colour privately and that was it. They were clearly invited to other events but declined. So Wootton’s Daily Mail column is called “The glorious Jubilee has shown the gulf between the Sussexes and the royals is larger than ever, leaving Harry and Meghan bigger pariahs than Prince Andrew among their relatives – but they now need the monarchy more than it needs them.” Ah, yes. Harry and Meghan “need the monarchy” so much, which is why they avoided being photographed with senior royals and why they skipped out on several events and jetted out as soon as possible. Some highlights from Wootton:

Harry & Meghan were invited to the Guildhall reception after the church service: One of the rooms hosting dignitaries and other invited guests had been left without a member of the Royal Family present to mingle and chat as promised. The mood turned frosty when the upset attendees, who had expected to be hosted by a minor royal as they were served English sparkling wine and a buffet of traditional dishes like coronation chicken and smoked duck, were told by organisers it was because the Duke and Duchess of Sussex had turned down an invitation to attend.

Courtiers & royals were horrified by the Sussexes’ demeanor: “I’ve learned some members of the Royal Family and many senior courtiers were horrified at the detached and cold appearance by the exiled couple, who had also made the decision to fly out of the country before the Queen had even made her historic Buckingham Palace balcony appearance, alongside Charles, Camilla and the Cambridges, on Sunday evening.

Meghan’s window: And while Harry and Meghan cannot be accused of attempting to steal the limelight – even though Meghan did tellingly seem to wind down her car window in the presence of photographers – the couple’s actions appeared designed to make it clear to the world that they continue to disapprove of, not only their blood relatives, but the institution they represent.

Lack of trust: Meanwhile, the lack of trust between the warring camps is now off the scale. It might sound like a ridiculous concept, but sources close to senior royals have warned them to consider that Harry and Meghan could secretly record their conversations. I must be clear that there is no suggestion the couple would ever do that, but even the concern they would is illustrative of just how toxic relationships have become. There is also an ongoing fear the couple will continue to leak intimate family moments to favoured American TV broadcasters.

Charles & William don’t want any more American interviews: I’m told Prince Charles and Prince William have made it known that they simply will no longer countenance even the smallest detail of their complex family relationships being used as fodder for US stars, after revelations by both Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King on US network CBS about private conversations between the senior royals caused fury.

Wootton honestly thinks this makes the Windsors sound reasonable: Somewhat astonishingly, Harry and Meghan are now considered bigger pariahs than Prince Andrew internally within the royal institution… A royal source explains: ‘Prince Andrew is less of a pariah than Harry and Meghan as far as the family are concerned. The public might be surprised, but within the family it is seen as if he didn’t do anything wrong. They have to believe that.’

The Sussexes haven’t moved on from royal life, lol: But the irony is that, just as the Royal Family has moved on, it seems like Harry and Meghan could want more involvement in the future. For commercial reasons at least, Hollywood bosses believe the Sussexes need to keep a closer proximity to their British relatives in the months and years to come to keep their brand relevant…Courtiers are now watching closely to see if Harry and Meghan release any pictures of their weekend in the UK, especially their meeting with the Queen, in the coming weeks or months.

[From The Daily Mail]

Wootton goes further, saying that the “Duke of Woke” is increasingly irrelevant, which is funny because Wootton devoted his entire column to how royals and courtiers couldn’t stop talking about Harry and Meghan and everyone at Guildhall was disappointed not to see Harry & Meghan. Obviously, there was no way for H&M to “win” with people like Wootton. The fact that Wootton even bothers to complain about Meghan & Harry rolling down their car window to wave at people shows that all of these people are desperately reaching for something to complain about. The part about the royals being less mad at Andrew… I believe that. I absolutely believe that. But it’s not some kind of slam on the Sussexes, it’s further evidence of just why they left.

As for Harry and Meghan’s “cold and detached appearance” at church… you mean when they walked into church with their heads held high? Wootton and the rest of them are mad that the Sussexes didn’t come back to beg for mercy.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Instar.